her facebook's as public as her vagina
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
