i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize