Tell her she can't have a vagina
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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