I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
soo... how was my night?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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