Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize