i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize