i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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