I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize