Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
