She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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