Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
