if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
