I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
