My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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