if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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