the condom got lost in my hair
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
