what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
