I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
