im drinking this country out of the recession.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize