Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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