I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
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