so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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