She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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