after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it's like iHOP with fire
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
