Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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