Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize