Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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