Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
