I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
