i would punch a child for taco bell
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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