no, he came in my armpit
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
