I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
