I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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