too bad you live with your parents still
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
