Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
