my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
