Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
