I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Semen is not good for contacts.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
