I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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