I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
