did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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