You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
