I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
