Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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