so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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