Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
