i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
