Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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