I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize