i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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