I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
