Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
