You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
FUCK WHALES
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