Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Drunk is not a location!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
