I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
