just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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