her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize