OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
