i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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