This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
