Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
