apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
